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<h1>Needs-based communication</h1>
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<div class="header-meta">
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<author>Joshua Seigler</author><date>May 26, 2021</date>
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<span class="tags" style="--totalTags: 11"
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><a class="tag" style="--tagIndex: 3" href="/tags/communication"
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>communication</a
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>
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<a class="tag" style="--tagIndex: 2" href="/tags/how-to">how to</a>
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<header class="toc"></header>
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<main data-pagefind-body="data-pagefind-body">
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<p>
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Needs-based communication (usually called non-violent communication or
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NVC™) is a way of understanding yourself and others with a unique
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insight: everyone has their own personal reactions to the world, but
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people have the same basic needs. We recognize those needs in other
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people, and that common connection can allow us to communicate clearly
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when there is conflict.
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</p>
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<p>
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<strong>Needs</strong> are universal to humanity. They are common drives
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that we all experience, and this universality makes them perfect for
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connecting with each other. Some broad categories of needs are the needs
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for: connection, physical well-being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy,
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and meaning. Needs can also be specific: a need for clarity, nurturing,
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integrity, trust, space, etc. Needs are abstract, not connected to
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people or actions. For example, peace is a need, muting TV commercials
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is not. Here is
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<a
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href="https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory"
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target="_blank"
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rel="noopener"
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>a partial list of needs</a
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>
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from the Center for Non-Violent Communication (CNVC).
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</p>
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<p>
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Everything <em>anyone</em> does is an attempt to meet a need. None of
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these universal needs is wrong or inherently harmful, although sometimes
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the strategies we use can be.
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</p>
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<p>
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<strong>Conflict</strong> happens when our needs aren’t met. We get
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stuck in conflict when we mix up needs and strategies. Needs never
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conflict with each other, only strategies do.
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</p>
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<p>
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When we experience conflict or negative feelings, that indicates that
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there is an unmet need. In an attempt to end a conflict, we often settle
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on unsatisfying resolutions:
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</p>
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<ol>
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<li>
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We suppress the need and move on, painfully leaving the problem
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unaddressed.
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</li>
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<li>
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We come to an uneasy agreement about who is the winner and who is the
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loser, and the loser gives up on meeting their need. The immediate
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conflict is over, but the problem is not really resolved.
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</li>
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<li>
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We escalate, expanding the conflict in an attempt to win, at the
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other’s expense if necessary.
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</li>
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</ol>
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<p>
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These resolutions can happen despite our best intentions, as a result of
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not understanding what’s happening as we fight. A very common mistake is
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to confuse needs and strategies.
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</p>
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<p>
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<strong>Strategies</strong> are things we do to meet our needs. In
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contrast to needs, which are abstract and universal, strategies are
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personal, specific, and widely varied.
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</p>
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<p>
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For example, consider the need for self-expression. There are as many
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strategies as there are people and situations: singing, writing,
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talking, composing, dressing a certain way… and on and on.
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</p>
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<p>
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Jumping into a conflict strategy-first is bound to cause problems if
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that strategy doesn’t meet others’ needs as well as your own. The way
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past conflict is for everyone involved to understand each others’ needs,
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and <em>then</em> work together to find a strategy to meet those needs.
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</p>
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<p>So, <strong>how do you figure out your own needs?</strong></p>
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<p>
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Negative feelings are a sign that you have an unmet need. Unfortunately,
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most of us have learned to bundle in certain judgments and name them as
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feelings. For example, I might think I am feeling <em>abandoned</em>,
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but really this is a feeling of disconnectedness, vulnerability,
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loneliness, or something else, combined with a judgment that someone
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else has made me feel that way.
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</p>
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<p>
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The truth is that the same situation can affect people very differently.
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This means that feelings must come from a person’s own response to
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things. In order to see your feelings clearly, it is important to take
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ownership of them as <em>your</em> feelings rather than something caused
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by the world around you. I have found this to be very challenging, but
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also incredibly rewarding.
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</p>
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<p>
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Once you have an honest name for what you are feeling, think about what
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need sparked the feeling.
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</p>
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<p>
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There is a (kind of clunky) formula for requesting help meeting a need
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without tacking on strategies, demands, judgments, or other baggage. As
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the exercise becomes more habitual, you won’t need the formula, and can
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accomplish the same thing more naturally.
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</p>
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<p>Here it is:</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>
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When <em>[observation]</em>, I felt <em>[feeling]</em> because I was
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having a need for <em>[need]</em>. (possibly also a request:) Are you
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willing to <em>[action]</em>?
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</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>
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In the spirit of communicating without judgments, the observation should
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be strictly focused on facts, with no mind-reading or attribution at
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all. Sharing your feelings in addition to the need can help the other
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person recognize the need and how it affects you. If the other person
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understands the need, you can also make a request for some specific
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action to help meet your need.
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</p>
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<p>
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It is very important that the action you request be feasible, concrete,
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and specific. Asking someone to change their behavior forever, think a
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certain way, etc is too much. The request should also really, truly be a
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request and not a demand. A “No!” should be as welcome as a “Yes!”
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because the goal is to find a strategy that meets your needs
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<em>and</em> theirs.
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</p>
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<p>
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There is a (similarly clunky) pattern for discovering someone else’s
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needs. As you listen to them, you will probably get an idea for how they
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feel, and you may be able to guess what need they are experiencing. You
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can ask:
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</p>
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<blockquote>
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<p>
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When you <em>[observation]</em> do you feel <em>[feeling]</em> because
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you are having a need for <em>[need]</em>? (possibly also:) Right now,
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would you like me to <em>[action]</em>?
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</p>
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</blockquote>
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<p>
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Like the other formula, this is just a beginning point, almost too rough
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to use except for training your responses and replacing old
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communication habits.
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</p>
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<p>
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These are two sides of the same coin, a pattern that draws a line from
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the stimulus, some observation, through the needs, towards a solution.
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Even if you guess wrong, just focusing on someone’s feelings and needs
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demonstrates that you are really interested in their problem.
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</p>
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<p>
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Even without explicitly using this pattern (observation ➔ feeling ➔ need
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➔ request), just by thinking about needs (your own and others’) you can
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untangle conflict and see other people with much more empathy. Maybe
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that reckless driver is having a need for excitement and power, and
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zipping around you was the best strategy they could come up with. Just
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seeing past the image of others as enemies or obstacles can make the
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world much less hostile, by revealing them to be real humans, people you
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might be able to connect with. This way of thinking can also be a path
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to growth as you take ownership of your feelings and see your needs
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clearly.
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</p>
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<p>Some resources for exploring these ideas more:</p>
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<ul>
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<li>
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<a href="http://www.therightword.info/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"
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>The Right Words and Beyond</a
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>
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</li>
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<li>
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<a href="https://amzn.to/44cpIsV" target="_blank" rel="noopener"
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>Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life</a
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>, ISBN 189200528X
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</li>
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<li>
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<a href="https://www.cnvc.org/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"
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>The Center for Nonviolent Communication</a
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>
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</li>
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</ul>
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